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guppiegirl
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Name: Emily
Country: Afghanistan
Birthday: 3/4/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: (It's funny because i suppose interests make up what you do in life..But how can I just stick,"God" here as an interest? It's more than an interest..but there's no other place to type it..So i suppose i will have to here..) Being a Jesus freak..(yes i suppose that's a little better..?) reading,music,knitting, kissing syd the cow, goldfish and tomato sauce..being weird..:)
Expertise: tripping over my own two feet..
Occupation: The library
Industry: Government
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Purpleguppie89
AIM:  EmilysMoo
Member Since:
3/4/2004
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| I have a weird assortment of "jobs" this semester. I really wanted a job. I applied to about seven places, and only got one reply back. but, i think i'm pretty happy about what i'm doing. nothing is full time, and it allows me to do ministry full time as my real "job". So, my first job is to move gymnastics equipment after NIU meets. very random. The only requirement was to be able to lift 50 pounds.. i'm pretty sure i can :) the second job i have is ushering concerts at the music building. This job will probably result in 50 dollars max. And now i have found a third source of income!
Drum roll, please. (Oh, and could totally do a drum roll, because i'm taking percussion tech right now).
I'm going to be donating plasma!!! ha. Yes, i will be essentially, selling my body. or..rather, the plasma of my blood. I will be able to make about 60 dollars a week. that is definitely worth it! I can buy my own groceries, and pay for a big portion of my rent.
God has provided in strange unconventional ways.
Sweet.
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| emily is... feeling so heart broken. i'm having such a broken night. possibly, this is more going to be a broken semester. I'm having so many struggles with my roommates. and, i'm just feeling so heart-broken over our friendship. i want to respond like Christ would. i want to have the mind of Christ, and the heart of Christ, and the mouth of Christ. "When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten"
it's not up to me to defend myself. it is not! i do not have any right to an easy life. I do not have any claim to a life of comfort. God has given me the right to become a child of God. That's what my bible study leader reminded me of tonight. but, i still feel so sad when i think about our friendship. i'm struggling with responding in love. even if my actions seem loving, my thoughts are not. i DON'T want to be bitter over this. I don't want them to be bitter.
ah..
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| I was recently invited (via facebook, of course) to NIU remembers: a day of reflection. It is on February 14th, which makes sense. hm. In a way, i'm very glad NIU is going to have a million and one activities on that day. As hard as those events were, it's a great way to bond as a college campus. However, part of me doesn't want to go to any of it. a small part of me wishes that i could just sit in my room on that day, and journal. i suppose i can. But, i'm not sure if i'm... too detatched if i don't want to spend a whole day remembering. It is not as if I don't remember all the time. hm. I think i'm in a bahumbug sort of mood. (bahumbug is a word? really?)
Christmas. it has been a good season. hanging out with my family is always an experience. stef and I discovered that mcdonalds is NOT open on Christmas! (don't ask why we wanted to go).
Today, though, i felt like an emotional person. I was going to type, "Today i was a girl," but i think emotional rollercoasters are limited just to girls, so "person" is more accurate. I needed a new perspective today. i began thinking about the future of my life--school, family, friends, boyfriend, etc., and i felt so frantic and slightly hopeless.
I read psalm 42. "why are you downcast, O my soul?"
there's a part of that psalm that says, "My soul is downcast, therefore, i will remember the LORD."
i just want to say that i'm having trouble doing that. I'm having trouble with the concrete actions of that verse. i understand that my hope is in the LORD. i conceptually know that Jesus is my life, my sustainer, and my purpose. i'm just not feeling any of it right now. this is when i find it easiest to slack on the things that i know help me in my walk--reading the bible, being honest, praying, fellowship. i know that i need to not base any of my deep convictions on feelings. ah. but, my emotions are saying, "Hey! What about us?"
i am a list person. though i am not always the most organized, I like to have things planned, figured, mapped out. if there is a problem, i would like a plan to fix it. i would like a list drawn up. possibly a flow chart..something. but, there isn't for my spiritual walk. there is no, "read X and Y, and pray Z and Q, and your emotions will be all spiffy again." i suppose i wouldn't want it that way. but, i struggle with how spiritual it is. is that ridiculous? sometimes I just want a hug. sometimes...i would rather have God come and hug me, than me read and pray.
anyways. this post should not be taken too seriously. sometimes it's helpful to write in xanga, rather than my journal. i think it forces me to take a different perspective, because i know that others (well, possibly, i suppose) wiill read and have their own perspective.
truly,
Emily
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| First, i need to write my to-do list down. If i write it down i'll be able to focus.
tomorrow.
1. get all parts of marching uniform
2. make sure you have the martinu!
3. get up early to practice
4. clarinet sheets!
5. get up early for God.
6. practice piano until it's done.
oookay. I'm such a list person. If i don't write things down, i usually feel frazzled. but, not writing things down in a planner type of writing. I just make random to-do lists. Do i usually get everythign done? not at all.
So, i think i have all the music for the wedding learned. I need to go over the prelude stuff, but it's not too bad. the "when you say you love me" needs a little work..possible an hour? so, i figure I have about 3 hours of piano practicing to do. then i'll be solid. I had a lot of coffee. Free coffee, in fact! For some reason, the guy working the check out counter in our trident shop let me have free coffee--please and thank you.
hm..i'm very unfaithful. i like to defend how unfaithful i can be, but..that's pride, right? it's just me wanting to keep a better face.
oh dear. tomorrow i'm playing for a master class, and i'm really really excited! aaah..! SOOOO excited! yes. well, i am.
i'm reading some james joyce..the dubliners. i've only read a section of it, and i really like it. for some reason, i couldn't really get into 'portrait of an artist as a young man'. i think i was too restless for it. but, the dubliners is awweeesome. i got it for like..50 cents at salvation army! saweet.
hey, i went swimming today. in a pool. for exercise. yes, i'm surprised too. I did some laps with my friend christina. it was a good feeling. i don't even feel too..worn out. but, that could be that i really didn't do enough. I'm slowly getting over my fear of wearing my bathing suit in public.
i really love hymns. I love how slow they are. i have time to think about the words, and think about my heart's condition. hm..so heartfelt and so full of longing for the presence of God.
^i want to long for that.
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| i'm sitting here, and i might be wallowing. Really, though, i'm slightly confused. maybe I tend to over dramatize things, but i just am feeling confused about a relationship. I'm feeling forgotten and possibly unwanted. have i become boring? have i suddenly just not been a good contributor to this relationship? I'm sitting, and i'm journaling, and i'm feeling hurt and lost.
I downloaded "Peace like a river: the hymns project" and i was looking for great is thy faithfulness, when i heard that still small voice. "do you not do the same to me?" at this, i can only stop. yes, i do. i do i do i do. hm. as much as i feel shafted, doesn't the creator feel it even more so? How often am i NOT giving my best. How often to I not show interest?
"No, God. You obviously have nothing left to offer me. clearly Your mercies are not new every morning. it's evident that you're just too boring for me."
how often am i saying that? Oh, i would never straight up say that. I'm too much of a coward. But do i say it with my actions? absolutely. ridiculous. So, now i'm trying on a new mindset. maybe that's just one relationship that's going to change. maybe God is using it to teach me how he abhors when i go after things other than Him. Regardless of the reason i'm feeling these things, i need a new focus.
"Your mercies ARE new every morning. Your faithfulness is great. You are great. You don't desire complacency for me, and you are not boring or typical or ordinary. I care more about you than anyone and anything. you matter."
there i go again, piling up more debt.
Oh praise the one who paid my debt, who raised this life up from the dead. | | |
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